Sacred Values and ‘Us’ vs ‘Them’: How to Listen Across Lines of Difference
by Julia Davies
One book I’m currently reading is How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carneige, and while its manipulative-sounding title is not marketed to a peacebuilding audience, I have found many of its insights to overlap with the “Conflict As An Opportunity” workshops I have been assisting in developing. The self-improvement book explains ways to “gain the upper hand” in your professional and personal relationships from the framework that the only way to get people to do what you want them to do is by making them want to do it. The book sells because it is able to convince people how they can personally benefit from better skills in “dealing with people.” While that is true (and much needed), I kept thinking of how this book could be (or maybe is) a great manipulation to achieve peacebuilding’s vision of a “mutually flourishing” world.
The latest lesson I read, “try to honestly see things from the other person’s point of view,” made me think of the connection between Carnegie’s book and conflict transformation skills. I know this skill in developing and maintaining interpersonal relationships to be anecdotally true – whenever I pause to think how would I feel if that person said or did that to me – I almost always go about saying or doing something that is kinder and results in a more positive outcome. This skill is somewhat difficult to develop and especially hard to practice before saying something regretful, but it is much easier with people you already have relationships with, since you know their “point of view” better than strangers (i.e. how they grew up, their family, their job, etc.). Combined with the fact that they’re probably similar to you, with practice, this can be an easy tool when trying to positively deal with conflict by building empathy and deeper connections.
But how do we “try to honestly see things from the other person’s point of view” when that person is a stranger, or worse, different than you? How can we understand what it is like to be them when we come from different political views, races, religions, ethnic or socio-economic groups? Before attempting to answer these difficult questions, we have to want to understand their point of view, which I have found is harder than actually doing it. And how do I get other people to want to understand someone outside their group’s point of view?
Neuroscience studies have shown that when someone in “our own group” (political, racial, religious, ethnic, socio-economic) experiences pain, a region in our brain responds that produces empathy. However, when someone from “the other group” experiences pain, that empathetic region does not light up. These “groups” are based on shared sacred values. Sacred values are beliefs and ideas that are core to who we are and how we define ourselves and our identity. These sacred values are processed in a different part of our brain than where we process cost-benefit analysis. This means that when someone or something threatens these sacred values, we respond irrationally, such as with moral outrage, long grudges, or violence.
So, our brain is wired to categorize people into groups based on the beliefs and values used to make up our identity. Our ability to respond with empathy when someone experiences pain is based on our brain’s categorization of “us” and “them.” However, there are ways to get around this, and the first is to understand that this is our (and everyone else’s!) default neurological response.
The second amendment is a highly divisive political issue in the United States and one I feel relatively strongly about. Yet, the belief in the right to bear arms is not just about the right to own a gun; it’s built on people’s core values of American identity, freedom, safety, and protecting one’s family. The need for safety is one almost everyone shares, and looking at this belief from that lens made it much easier for me to understand “the other’s” point of view. I can’t understand wanting to own a gun, but I can understand wanting to feel safe.
To take this concept further, we don’t even have to share others’ sacred values to build bridges and see their point of view. All we have to do is let them know we acknowledge how important their belief is to them. We do this by honestly trying to see things from their point of view, by trying to understand their sacred values and why they believe what they believe on a deeper level. This is done by disrupting our social circles to understand and embrace individuals different from ourselves, and really working to see and verbally acknowledge the importance of someone’s core beliefs and identities.
For More:
Dale Carenige, How To Win Friends & Influence People: The Only Book You Need For Success.
Yuki Noguchi, “Loyalty to groups helped humans survive. That instinct still shows up in conflicts.”
Tim Phillips, “The neuroscience of conflict transformation.”
Mustapha El Akkari, “Building Bridges Between Communities Through the Power of Pro-Social”
Julia is a Peace Catalyst intern in Bosnia and Herzegovina. She is a recent graduate of Ohio State University, where she majored in history and political science with research distinction. During her three-month study abroad program in Rwanda, Julia worked with youth groups and women’s associations addressing transgenerational trauma and promoting forgiveness. Her research on collective memory and genocide memorials and their role in promoting reconciliation has given her a unique perspective on the power of peacebuilding. Learn more about Julia here.
